Paraphrased excerpts from a conversation between a Canadian and an Afghan who spoke unaccented American English with slight lisp at a garden cafe of whose existence locals working on the same block were unaware. The Canadian looked to be in his mid-forties; the Afghan looked a few years younger.
Canadian: ...They've got more cameras and shit there than anywhere. So whenever I bring a group to Dubai, I'm like, Don't just grad the first hooker you see, you know? But there's always one guy who within a few hours shows up at the hotel with two, you know, and I'm like, That's what I'm here for. You have to check; you don't know if she's underaged or what. And they'll throw you in jail for that shit. They don't give a fuck.
Afghan: Last time I was in Dubai I was with this fucking Afghan businessman, rich as fuck. And we're in Dubai airport and he wants to buy Johnny Walker. Because Afghans don't know what's good. I was like, Fuck that blended shit, you should get X brand (can't remember). He was like, But it's expensive, and I was like, Trust me it's worth it. And by the time we got to London he was drunk as fuck. I took him back to the hotel and asked if I should come back in a few hours and he was like, Come back tomorrow (they laugh).
Good shit is so hard to get in Kabul, you know. I always tell my foreign friends they shouldn't drink anything from the bars at the expat parties, you know. 'Cause what happens is they just ask their Afghan guys to bring them and they get local homemade stuff that's been put in brand name bottles. That shit is dangerous.
Canadian: I'm always telling Karzai and the ministers, they should just license that shit. In Dubai they're Muslims and they license the shit out of liquor and make lots of money off of it. And then you'll be able to find the real shit in Kabul; you'll be doing your country a service. If you're a good Muslim just don't drink it.
Afghan: But they all drink. If you go to the house of the fucking Minister of the Haj I bet you'll find bottles.
Canadian: R, W (naming ministers) I've brought them all bottles and they say yeah let's license it, but the next day--
Afghan: They forget (they laugh).
Canadian: I'm just saying in private they say it's a good idea, they all drink. I was on a plane with R and before the fucking plane even took off he was ordering a cold beer. There are what, four or five flights to Dubai a day now? And it's hard to get a spot, and it's not foreigners and NGO people, it's Afghans going to have fun.
Afghan: All fucking Afghan businessmen. They've got so much money.
Canadian: So have the courage to do it at home.
Afghan: Instead of fucking hypocrisy.
...
Canadian: I'm supposed to be a governance expert but the way I see it when I compare Canada and here, Canada's just gotten better at legalizing corruption. When you apply for a passport, there are different prices listed depending on how long you want it to take.
Afghan: It's exactly the same here, only in the West they legalize it.
Canadian: And like with democracy. In Canada just before elections you see all the roads paved and services provided. And politicians give contracts to a construction company and get delivered a thousand votes in return. The way I see it, if the construction guy does a good job and the people get the road they want, then what's the problem? That's what all this lobbying and shit is, it's legalized corruption; that's what they've gotta do here. So the way you get something back for what you give is more predicable.
Afghans: And they should license bars; that would bring peace.
...
Afghan: You can't date no girls in Kabul 'cause everyone knows everyone. There's pretty and there's Kabul pretty (they laugh). Every time I get back from Europe it's like, Oh shit, I've gotta get back into Afghan mode.
...
Afghan: (after they discuss how much Afghanistan would benefit from making Kabul a hub for international flights) And a corridor, you know? A corridor to the sea; it would be so helpful if we could get that.
Canadian: And it's not that far, right? So how would that corridor work? Like--
Afghan: You'd have to cut back the borders of Pakistan and Iran.
Canadian: Who's working on that?
Afghan: Nobody in Afghanistan 'cause they're all fucking puppets of Pakistan.
Canadian: But it wouldn't be that hard, right? Compared to the Suez Canal and shit... And with modern transportation it would be really close. Same thing with that railroad, if the Chinese could get their shit together and build it...
(They discuss Chinese economic success and how the Chinese are learning English like motherfuckers)
...
Afghan: Here's my thing with communism. It seem like a good idea on paper, but it's actually impractical. Capitalism seems like a terrible idea, but it's practical.
Canadian: Exactly.
...
Canadian: And that's what I've been saying: you've gotta start teaching English from grade one in Afghanistan. I'm sorry, you've got a beautiful language, but English equals dollar sign. They've gotta get more Afghans studying abroad, not even in the US, but even--
Afghan: Even in India would be better than nothing, right?
Canadian: Yeah. But fucking W is as thick as this piece of glass (he raps the table). He's always underspending his budget and I'm like, Look, you've got a million dollars unspent; that would be scholarships for 20 (or did he say 40?) Afghans to study abroad. And he says yes and B would you bring me a bottle of scotch next time you come? And then I leave his office and there are fucking 40 moollahs waiting outside. W always tells me, You've got a great idea--talk to the donors. I say look, donors are great but at the end of the day it's your fucking government and you've gotta take charge. Makes me want to cry.
Afghan: You cry and you're a foreigner. Think of us Afghans.
Canadian: But that's the thing. You're one of the few who understands this stuff.
...
Afghan: Alright I gotta go back to my village. Gotta cover my fucking tattoos and put on my Afghan clothes before I go see the family.
Canadian: Put on your Afghan costume. So that's like to show respect in the village, or...?
Afghan: Nah, I mean they're all my family so it's not about respect; they don't give a shit if I'm in jeans or whatever. It's just something you do, you know? But it feels weird, like naked. The clothes are all long and shit but a lot of wind blows around inside. And I'm gonna have to sit cross-legged all day; that'll suck.
Canadian: Oh I know. I can't fucking sit cross-legged for five minutes. The worst is those government tea talks when you all have to sit there for ages.
Afghan: Yeah, you must go to a lot of those.
...
Canadian: ...They've got more cameras and shit there than anywhere. So whenever I bring a group to Dubai, I'm like, Don't just grad the first hooker you see, you know? But there's always one guy who within a few hours shows up at the hotel with two, you know, and I'm like, That's what I'm here for. You have to check; you don't know if she's underaged or what. And they'll throw you in jail for that shit. They don't give a fuck.
Afghan: Last time I was in Dubai I was with this fucking Afghan businessman, rich as fuck. And we're in Dubai airport and he wants to buy Johnny Walker. Because Afghans don't know what's good. I was like, Fuck that blended shit, you should get X brand (can't remember). He was like, But it's expensive, and I was like, Trust me it's worth it. And by the time we got to London he was drunk as fuck. I took him back to the hotel and asked if I should come back in a few hours and he was like, Come back tomorrow (they laugh).
Good shit is so hard to get in Kabul, you know. I always tell my foreign friends they shouldn't drink anything from the bars at the expat parties, you know. 'Cause what happens is they just ask their Afghan guys to bring them and they get local homemade stuff that's been put in brand name bottles. That shit is dangerous.
Canadian: I'm always telling Karzai and the ministers, they should just license that shit. In Dubai they're Muslims and they license the shit out of liquor and make lots of money off of it. And then you'll be able to find the real shit in Kabul; you'll be doing your country a service. If you're a good Muslim just don't drink it.
Afghan: But they all drink. If you go to the house of the fucking Minister of the Haj I bet you'll find bottles.
Canadian: R, W (naming ministers) I've brought them all bottles and they say yeah let's license it, but the next day--
Afghan: They forget (they laugh).
Canadian: I'm just saying in private they say it's a good idea, they all drink. I was on a plane with R and before the fucking plane even took off he was ordering a cold beer. There are what, four or five flights to Dubai a day now? And it's hard to get a spot, and it's not foreigners and NGO people, it's Afghans going to have fun.
Afghan: All fucking Afghan businessmen. They've got so much money.
Canadian: So have the courage to do it at home.
Afghan: Instead of fucking hypocrisy.
...
Canadian: I'm supposed to be a governance expert but the way I see it when I compare Canada and here, Canada's just gotten better at legalizing corruption. When you apply for a passport, there are different prices listed depending on how long you want it to take.
Afghan: It's exactly the same here, only in the West they legalize it.
Canadian: And like with democracy. In Canada just before elections you see all the roads paved and services provided. And politicians give contracts to a construction company and get delivered a thousand votes in return. The way I see it, if the construction guy does a good job and the people get the road they want, then what's the problem? That's what all this lobbying and shit is, it's legalized corruption; that's what they've gotta do here. So the way you get something back for what you give is more predicable.
Afghans: And they should license bars; that would bring peace.
...
Afghan: You can't date no girls in Kabul 'cause everyone knows everyone. There's pretty and there's Kabul pretty (they laugh). Every time I get back from Europe it's like, Oh shit, I've gotta get back into Afghan mode.
...
Afghan: (after they discuss how much Afghanistan would benefit from making Kabul a hub for international flights) And a corridor, you know? A corridor to the sea; it would be so helpful if we could get that.
Canadian: And it's not that far, right? So how would that corridor work? Like--
Afghan: You'd have to cut back the borders of Pakistan and Iran.
Canadian: Who's working on that?
Afghan: Nobody in Afghanistan 'cause they're all fucking puppets of Pakistan.
Canadian: But it wouldn't be that hard, right? Compared to the Suez Canal and shit... And with modern transportation it would be really close. Same thing with that railroad, if the Chinese could get their shit together and build it...
(They discuss Chinese economic success and how the Chinese are learning English like motherfuckers)
...
Afghan: Here's my thing with communism. It seem like a good idea on paper, but it's actually impractical. Capitalism seems like a terrible idea, but it's practical.
Canadian: Exactly.
...
Canadian: And that's what I've been saying: you've gotta start teaching English from grade one in Afghanistan. I'm sorry, you've got a beautiful language, but English equals dollar sign. They've gotta get more Afghans studying abroad, not even in the US, but even--
Afghan: Even in India would be better than nothing, right?
Canadian: Yeah. But fucking W is as thick as this piece of glass (he raps the table). He's always underspending his budget and I'm like, Look, you've got a million dollars unspent; that would be scholarships for 20 (or did he say 40?) Afghans to study abroad. And he says yes and B would you bring me a bottle of scotch next time you come? And then I leave his office and there are fucking 40 moollahs waiting outside. W always tells me, You've got a great idea--talk to the donors. I say look, donors are great but at the end of the day it's your fucking government and you've gotta take charge. Makes me want to cry.
Afghan: You cry and you're a foreigner. Think of us Afghans.
Canadian: But that's the thing. You're one of the few who understands this stuff.
...
Afghan: Alright I gotta go back to my village. Gotta cover my fucking tattoos and put on my Afghan clothes before I go see the family.
Canadian: Put on your Afghan costume. So that's like to show respect in the village, or...?
Afghan: Nah, I mean they're all my family so it's not about respect; they don't give a shit if I'm in jeans or whatever. It's just something you do, you know? But it feels weird, like naked. The clothes are all long and shit but a lot of wind blows around inside. And I'm gonna have to sit cross-legged all day; that'll suck.
Canadian: Oh I know. I can't fucking sit cross-legged for five minutes. The worst is those government tea talks when you all have to sit there for ages.
Afghan: Yeah, you must go to a lot of those.
...
Glad you're making friends!
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